The next thing I knew was how the sound of the crunch of the snow felt beneath my boots. I didn’t plan on stopping. That would be an utter failure. Everything is wrong. The world is wrong. My self is wrong.
I could only see two feet ahead of me. The sounds of the road reverberated into my brain. I couldn’t think, or remember, or realize. I was definitely awake. I could manage to move my legs to walk, my head completely covered with the hood of my winter coat.
My gait was akin to my own heartbeat. I was definitely in the zone, being somewhat habitual. I knew that I existed. I did. However, my thoughts were clouded, and my world was a dream.
Hours went by and still I walked. I walked and I walked, steady and absentmindedly. I didn’t pay much attention to the road; however, I felt somewhat secure with the humming in the background.
I was essentially among the public but very alone. There was no past, no present and no future. For me what was left was a meager existence. I had a lost sense of self. There was just nothing there. Nothing inside.
The ground was solid beneath her feet. She felt secure in that. The matter of the world still solid around her. It was the intangible part of life that troubled her the most. What can be felt in the heart and mind.
Where am I, she thought. What is this world? Who am I? What can I do?
The struggle was real.
She walked and walked. And walked some more.
She didn’t even know that she had thoughts, she didn’t have any insight into that.
After all, she was sixteen years old.
And the only thing different about her day is that she was skipping school today to walk. To her it was a compelling act. Something moved her to do it. Again, she didn’t know why.
She felt sorry. Guilt over something. She didn’t know what about, or why, she was overwhelmed with the impulse to just go, go somewhere else, just escape this town, these people.
No one was to blame, that was the surprising thing. She just suddenly switched into a ghost of some kind, in a human form. Her self-drained out through her toes, who she knew herself to be.
She looked up for a moment up the street and discovered that she was so out of her neighbourhood. She had no one. And she was alone.
How did she get here? She had no hindsight. She wanted to give herself a reason to emotionally “check out”. It was an emptiness’ that took over. Like the Nothing that infiltrated the world in The Neverending Story. Sucked right out.
She thought that she was alone, but she wasn’t. She expertly hid behind her winter hat and hood, but maybe someone might recognize the green colour.
Hours went by and she continued to walk and walk. Seemingly going in circles. It eventually got dark. then the streetlights went on. The slush was turning into ice underfoot, she could hear the crunch, crunch, crunch.
How could she sum up her feelings? She in fact didn’t have them. They have all gone away.
Herself, was gone.
Where did she go?
In the midst of it all, not knowing what time it was, she fell asleep on the snowy sidewalk after falling from knees to hips to head.
Opening her eyes after some time away in the dark, she noticed that she was in a hospital bedroom. It was private, the door was closed. It was just her. The sun was just coming out it seemed through the singular window to her left.
How long has she been there?
She felt very tired and worn out. Her muscles were aching, her legs especially.
She remembered the walk. But she couldn’t remember where she ended up or where she was. It must have been last night, right?
The door clicked open, and a woman came in. She gave me a warm smile for a moment, seeming to be pleased to see me awake.
“What is your name, Hun?”
I swallowed and then said I didn’t know.
“I’ll be right back,”
She turned and left the room very quietly to me.
It was just me.
The doctor came in followed by the woman a moment later. A long white lab coat. a stethoscope around his neck, and a clip board.
She hovered by the door as the doctor approached the bed.
“We are looking into your identity. The police picked you up two nights ago on the corner of Blithe and Clarence near the 670 highways. It’s a wonder that you were found at that time of night. Young girls are vulnerable to attacks and trafficking over by the highway.”
“Where do you live,” asked the woman as she walked to the other side of the bed.
“I don’t know.”
She and the doctor gave each other a concerned look, then their gaze floated back to me.
“I am Mellisa, the floor nurse, you are here to be assessed by the physician on duty right here: Doctor Rosen.”
The doctor had flashed a smile and said: “We will do our best to find your family, that way we can call you something other than Jane Doe,”
He was a nice person, she thought. He had a bright smile and an animated face. I felt like I didn’t deserve to know him, for some reason. And maybe I didn’t. After all he was just my doctor, he was being his kind self, I was here for it, I don’t know.
The TV just above my bed was on. It was the news down on very low volume. There was a fire, as it turned out on the other side of town, I started to remember. A small ranch bungalow house.
Why was this so familiar? It was just TV, not the reality of my life. But I tell you, the red bricks I know I had seen before, I felt it, I know it.
I had fallen down the stairs at my house. Apparently. I think that I hit my head.
The Doberman and I barreled down together. Smoke everywhere. I kept instinctively low bending down and sprinting the stairs two at a time. His name was Chuck.
Wow I can remember!
Mellisa said: “Are you okay Jane Doe? Is it something on the news?”
She winked at me as she witnessed my first real smile since I got to the hospital. I think that what I was feeling was happy.
“I know now, Mellissa and Dr Rosen! I know now!”
“Well, enlighten us,” the doctor said attentively leaning forward.
It was a fire, a fire, that was my house the one on the TV, help me help me I am so confused”
Her sudden passion and sensitivity were deeply felt by the two, though they couldn’t help but be hopeful enough to help this very young, troubled woman.
Then came the question: “Who are you?”
Then she drew a blank, and it went dark.
She woke up during the night. She could see the crescent moon through the window to her left, it made her room look hauntingly ominous. The room itself was quiet. I was alone. For how long I didn’t know.
What was I to do here in the dark all alone? I remember that I was in a hospital room, but I don’t know why for how long or what my name was. All I knew was that I existed.
I felt very peaceful inside, relaxed. I felt surprisingly secure cooped up in this room. There was nothing I could do, nowhere to go, no one to see. I was lost.
What was the world, what was my world? Home, where is my home? People who are my people?
She fumbled around the sides of her bed and found a button and came to sit up. Then felt around for something else. She clicked another button, and a red light went on.
The next moment a short stout woman came in after knocking on the door gently. “Hello Jane Doe” she had a warm smile.
I had no idea who or what or where I was. But this woman could very well be a family member, she seemed happy to see me.
“Who are you?”
“I ama Jacqui,” she reached out to gently pat my hand. Must be a nurse.
“Where am I?”
“You are in Mount Springs General Hospital. You have an appointment with our psychiatrist Doctor Reeve. We are concerned about you not seeming to have a home or a name or family members. From an anonymous 911 call, the police were directed to a snowy sidewalk near the highway. They couldn’t believe what they found. A young girl passed out cold. Good thing that you had on a green coat and a yellow hat. The person was out walking their dog and noticed you lying there.”
“I was just lying there?”
“Yes. They figure you were sleeping or passed out at the time, so they transported you from the ambulance to here to assess what had gone on with you.”
“What did you learn?”
“You didn’t have any ID on you, or anything identifying who you were. How old are you?”
“I think that I am 14 years old,” How did she know? It just popped into her head, oh no, what was happening? What does this mean?
Jacqui’s eyes lit up and she said: “Excellent. What school do you go to?”
“I don’t know.”
“The thing is that where the police found you there were no schools nearby. Where were you walking from?”
“My legs really hurt,” I said. It was one sure thing I knew. But why?
“Who is your homeroom teacher?”
“Mrs. Alvarez, I think”
How did I suddenly know? And what else could I remember?
Suddenly I saw the faces of my grade nine classmates in my imagination or should I say memory. Familiar faces. My friends Jude and Lexy in particular. Riding their bikes on the Neighborhood roads. She in particular remembered as many summer afternoons doing this very thing with the warm sun on our backs. We wore sunglasses and felt like we were cool. Even if it was not the case, it made vision better and served a purpose.
